screwed in a wink of an eye

About a year or so ago my friend April was trying to randomly sell some Avon stuff.  Kind of grandma of her, right?  Anyway, she got into bringing some samples to work with her and handed me a gift bag filled with some eye ointments and other lotions that I never used.  She also included this weird thing that was called an Avon Wink Eye Sheet or something like that.  I threw it under my sink with the rest of my didn't-quite-make-the-cut-makeup and forgot about it.  It looked insane--like the makeup my piano teacher, Mrs. Patsy, used to wear while chain-smoking and tapping her foot to the metronome while I practiced Moonlight Sonata for my competitions.  Her makeup was always pancake-thick and made her look like a corpse.  She kept a bowl of Jolly Ranchers by her door for her students and I always shoved handfuls of the grape ones into my pockets.

Anyway, the makeup "sheets" were scary.  They looked like this:

In fact, this was the exact color scheme that April had given me.  Scary tan and taupe-y frosty colors for old ladies.  Sometimes when rummaging through my old makeup I would pull it out, consider trying it, then toss it back.  Except today.

Today I was feeling adventurous.  Today was the day to WINK!  I pilfered through some old makeup and played with some bronzer.  Then I experimented with some old forgotten-about bare minerals powder and played with that for a bit.  Please note that this was right before I was getting ready to go to the gym.  So I stood at my mirror in my running shorts and red top with New Balance shoes, standing on my tiptoes and playing with my makeup for no reason.  Then I came across the Instant Eyeshadow Sheet.  It was now or never.

I read the directions which seemed simple enough.  Tear the thingy in half, place it over your closed eyelid, rub rub rub, then remove.  So that's what I did.  I rubbed until I was positive that the makeup had transferred perfectly to my eyelid and removed the sheet.  I found what looked like a tranny staring back at me.  Something had gone horribly wrong.  Half of the eyeshadow was either above my eyebrow or below my lower lashes and what WAS on my eyelid looked like a cluster&*#$.  So not only did I have bronzer and powder all over my face, but I was headed to the gym with this crazy eye makeup that looked like it had been applied by a blind clown.

Folks, stay far away from this gimmick.  I PROMISE no matter how little you know about applying makeup, you can do a far better job yourself than this crazy application.  I thought about washing my face before my gym routine but ended up doing lots of blending instead.  Probably not the first time I've looked like a weirdo at the gym.

Probably not the last.