conversations with dad

So my dad has been staying with me for several weeks now, which I am totally loving, for the most part.  Except when he insists on grinding on my nerves and doing things like honking the horn in the car because other people are going what he deems as too fast or "crazy." 

Me:  What'd you do that for??
Dad:  They were driving too fast.  They need to know they should slow down.
Me:  I don't think they can hear the horn in your little PT Cruiser on this interstate
Dad:  Oh, they hear it alright.  HEY, SLOW DOWNNNN!  (beeping at another speedster on the road)
Me:  This car is not very threatening, Dad.  Even if they do hear you, your PT Cruiser doesn't send the message across.
Dad:  They know what to do!

He has done things like this since I was a child.  Except he used to drive a squad car around and do it.  It was terrible!  He's super cute but he knows exactly how to drive me batty.  I had to put my car in the shop last week for some repairs and since then I had to rely on driving around Dave's car while he was out of town last week.  While my dad and I were troubleshooting how to pick up Dave's car from the airport, he made a HUGE deal about a freaking sandwich.

Me:  I know you were going to leave your meeting early to help drive me to meet Dave so we could drop him off at the airport, but plans have changed and now Dave is going to drive himself to the airport and I need you to take me there later to pick up his car.
Dad:  What?!  I left my meeting early to come get you!  They were giving away free sandwiches at 4:45 to 5:00.  I could've stayed and gotten my free sandwich!
Me:  You still can.  It's only 4:30.  Go get your free sandwich and then we'll work out the plan later.
Dad:  Well, now I'm all the way back downtown at your place.  I passed up the free sandwich and now I'm too far.  I can't possibly turn around and go back to get my free sandwich.
Me:  Yes, you can Dad.
Dad:  It's all the way over by University of Memphis.  I can't drive all that way just for a free sandwich.
Me:  Well, either you want your free sandwich and you drive to go get it, or you don't get your free sandwich.
Dad:  So basically I not only passed up my free sandwich, I passed it up for no reason since I could've stayed longer.
Me:  Jeez, what kind of sandwich were they going to feed you?  I'll buy you a freaking sandwich on the way to the airport!
Dad:  It was going to be from Neely's!  Forget it!
Me:  I'll stop and get you a sandwich from Neely's, and since I'll pay for it, it'll be free.  A free sandwich.
Dad:  Naw.  It's not the same.  It's not the same at all.
Me:  Then you get no sandwich at all.  Free or paid for.
Dad:  What time do you want me to come get you?

In the car on the way to the airport, I had to hear all about the free sandwich and the loss of the sandwich.  Then, I had to hear about the noisy street outside of the bedroom window.  Something about people violating noise ordinances and such. 

Last week he complained at the wing festival because he was offered some free wings but he "can't eat all that saucy stuff" but Friday afternoon he brought over a plate of ribs that were saturated with sauce.  Daddy, you crack me up but you are impossible.  Lots of love and please don't honk at anybody this afternoon on our way to my appointment.  Thank you.